Post Op Week 6: Joy, Fear, and the rest of the Emotions

Six weeks ago, I woke up from surgery with my leg wrapped in surgical dressings, a compression sleeve, an ace bandage, and a knee brace.

Four weeks ago, I removed the compression sleeve with a cheer.  It was uncomfortable, itchy, and HOT.  I was ecstatic to finally get rid of it!

Three weeks ago, I dropped the ace bandage for the majority of the time.  I would still wrap up my knee when I needed more support but for the most part, it hung out with the rest of the PT items in a box.

Two weeks ago, I gained more motion when I was able to fully unlock my brace and be mobile around the house.  It meant sleeping upstairs, a shower with no help, and moving down to just using one crutch.

On Tuesday, the last of the heavy duty surgical remnants disappears.  The knee brace will finally find it's way to the basement.

The brace has been itchy, confining, and chafing for the last six weeks.  It's forced me into pants through mid-May and made it challenging to sleep.  It is a constant battle to keep that thing tight enough to stay up and still loose enough that it doesn't cut my skin.  

Can you tell I'm so over this brace?  I've used the f-bomb more times than I can count this week!

But, the truth is, there's a part of me that is a little afraid.

This brace has kept my knee from further injury for the last six weeks.  I could walk, sit, lie down, and generally move without fear that I would somehow manage to screw myself up again.

I've had a safety net.

A visual reminder for myself and for others that I'm hurt.  That I'm recovering.  That I'm far from able to move like the rest of the world.

When the knee brace comes off, that safety net is gone.  And all the feels come rushing back -

• what if I get hurt again?
• will I be able to squat with a barbell again?
• when am I safe to run again?
• what if my knee gives out on the stairs?
• will others expect me to be "normal" again?

So when you hear that shriek of joy on Tuesday that I never have to wear this thing again, listen closely.  There's definitely a slight note of panic underpinning the joy.