Today, I'm Not OK

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I broke down at physical therapy this morning.

Literal actual tears and even probably snot running down my face.

The tears started with the dreaded knee hang.  All I have to do is lie on my back with my ankle propped on a foam roller and let my knee relax down.  It's literally the hardest thing I do in PT.  I've made it through the full five minutes ONCE without crying.

Usually, once the exercise is over, I can move on to the next one and know that I don't have to do that again until next time.

But today?

Today it was like that was the exercise that opened the floodgates to all of the frustration and defeat that I've been feeling since January.  

The frustration with needing help for what feels like absolutely everything.  For not being able to sleep in my own bed.  For the fact that this stupid knee brace will not stay in position for more than ten minutes at a time.  For the hours of work I put in every single day to show back up at PT and know that I've only had a few degrees of progress.

The defeat in knowing that I'm still at the very beginning of the journey towards being fully healed.  In feeling like there just isn't even a point to doing any of the PT because there's so little to show for it every time I'm reassessed.

And I just couldn't stop crying.  I cried through PT... I cried my way home... I cried taking off my shoes... and I cried through icing my knee.  

Because it all just feels like too much.  What I really need is a day off from all of the PT... from the CPM... from the stupid knee brace.  But life just doesn't happen that way.  There are no breaks to be had from trauma like this.  The only way through is to keep moving forward.

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